Posted by: TokenWife | October 24, 2009

A little Catholic Humor

Okay first, I must give credit where credit is due and admit that I did not come up with any of these jokes on my own – I got them from a Facebook Group called : We’re not crazy, we’re just Catholic.

 

Joke #1

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Ms. Pelosi and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and they’ll forever speak of this day and rejoice!”
Pelosi replied, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me.”
So the Pope slapped her.

 

Joke#2

A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
“I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you,” says the cabbie.
“My son, you cannot offend me,” says the Nun. “When you’re as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well,” said the cabbie, “I’ve always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me.”
“Well, let’s see what we can do about that,” the Nun replies. “First, you have to be single and, second, you must be Catholic.”
The cabbie is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“Okay,” says the Nun. “Pull into the next alley.”
The Nun fulfills his fantasy with a passionate kiss but and then some, but when they get back on the road, the cabbie starts crying.
“My dear child,” says the Nun, “why are you crying?”
“Forgive me, Sister, for I have sinned,” says the cabbie. “I lied, and I must confess that I’m not single and Catholic, but married and Methodist.”
That’s okay,” says the Nun. “My name is Kevin and I’m going to a costume party.”

 

Joke#3

While walking down the street one day, tragically, a US Senator is struck and killed instantly by a bus.
The senator’s soul arrives at the entrance to heaven, where he is met by St. Peter.
“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “But before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,” says the man.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the senator.
“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises…
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St Peter is waiting for him.
“Now it’s time to visit heaven.”
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. “Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
“I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?”
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday, we were campaigning. Today, you voted.”

 

Joke #4

A priest is giving a homily when the mic shuts off. He exclaims, "There’s something wrong with this mic!" The parishioners immediately respond, "And also with you."

 

Joke#5

Two brothers were quite unruly and their mother patiently awaited the day when the older of the two was able to receive the sacrament of penance.
The day came and went and there was little change in his behavior. After a terrible fight with his younger brother, the mother had had enough and drove her older son to the Church for confessions. The little boy angrily went in to the room and shut the door and recited off a list of things he had done.
"Where is God?" The Priest said to him when the time for receiving the penance came. The little boy said nothing. Again the Priest asked and again the little boy was silent. Finally, the Priest gave him some prayers and the little boy left.
After arriving home, the little boy went to the room he shared with his brother and hid in the closet. His little brother came in and asked what was wrong.
"God’s missing," the older brother said. "And they think I took him!"

 

Joke#6

Jesus was walking along one day, when He came upon a group of people surrounding a lady of ill repute. It was obvious that the crowd was preparing to stone her, so Jesus made His now-famous statement, "Let the person who has no sin cast the first stone."
The crowd was shamed and one by one began to turn away. All of a sudden, a lovely little woman made her way through the crowd. Finally getting to the front, she tossed a pebble towards the woman.
Jesus looks over and says, "I really hate it when you do that, Mom."

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